A Chat In The Dark.

The night of May 15 th 2007 was a bit different than most. I had just given birth to baby #5 that morning and I just could not sleep. Abigail, of coarse, had no problem. She was wrapped up tighter than a pink twinkie in her bassinett snoring away. I tried getting out of bed and hobbled over towards the bathroom past my very high maintenance room mate. She had had a horrible labor experience and ended up having a very traumatic c-section. She was un happy and drugged!! Her best friend was her call button and she used it about once a second. The nurses kept apologizing to me. (But deep down they were thankful. Im a pretty low-maintenance patient.)

 Anyway, as I attempted my hunched walk to go pee I heard her voice in the dark... "Hi."

 DARN!!! Caught like a dog. I usually invite conversations but not now. Im tired, Im cranky and I miss my kids. I answered back and tried to continue on... "What did you have?"  URGHH is she serious? Its like 3 in the morning. Is she color blind? Can she not see the entire side of my room draped in pink??? (im very cranky when I loose sleep) I knew there was no getting away this time. I sat down and succumbed to the voice in the dark. We shared small talk about our labor and babies. Then the question came..."Is this your first baby Amy?"  "No, its my 5th."

Her mouth fell to the floor in horror. I resisted the urge to slap the look off her face and moved on. Our conversation took an interesting turn. She began telling me this is her 2nd kid... and her last. She could not sleep because she was thinking on how she was going to afford college tuition for both of her kids. Are you kidding me? I couldn't help myself. The words just kept coming out... Why are you worrying about something thats 18 years away? Your daughter is not even a day old? There is so much more to think about than college tuitions...

 We chatted some more and then off to bed I went.

 Looking back on that conversation I realize how much money determines family size. I mean, you have to have some sort of money I AM realistic after all. I can't even begin to tell you how many conversations I have had with strangers. I get stopped almost daily. Im asked the same questions "Are they all yours? All 5??" Yes I answer. I hear the strangest things. People confide in me... complete strangers tell me there inner most secrets. "I would of had more but I left my husband."  "I would of loved more but my uterus is blah blah blah..."  " I would of had more but they are just so darn expensive..."

 I used to just nod and move on but I have started talking to these women who have decided to bare their souls on the wal-mart express line. I tell them all the same thing:

  I will never let finances determine my family size. We are not rich or well off by any means. Most people would be surprised at what actually comes in. I stay at home and I shop smart. We sacrifice a lot and view life differently than most. I never understood the phrase "kids are so expensive." I don't get it. If you have one or two, you have everything you need for more. You don't need the crib ,carseat, toys, high chair. You have it already. Whats one more little body??? Anything else I may need for my family I pray about and God provides. He may not provide in the exact manner at which we ask but He comes through and our needs are always met. God values children above most things and those that choose to bring one into the world will be blessed and cared for. My house is not perfect and im by far the perfect mom but I would not trade my life for anything in the world. I wish I could talk to more women about this. I wish I could tell them that life is not about the 5 bedroom house or the dance classes and soccer games. Life is about laughing together, meal times that are filled with love and long walks that out weigh candle light dinners. One day my husband and I will go on a vacation, and go out to eat more but for now our hearts are home.