GUEST POST " ...And The Lord Taketh Away..."

Michelle and her Husband John

*** Please welcome and enjoy Michelle's  Story ***

October 24, 2009 was an ordinary fall Saturday on Long Island, New York.  My husband and I had plans to take our three children out to get Halloween costumes I was 12wks pregnant with baby #4.  We stopped at my mom's house along the way for a short visit.  While we were there I suddenly felt something wet in my underwear, of course panic sets in and I say nothing to no one but hurry off to the bathroom.  I didn't want to look down at my underwear but when I did I saw blood, it was pink so I wasn't overly concerned.  With my last pregnancy I had a subchrionic hematoma that required bed rest in the 1st trimester, I bled like a period with that, so in the back of my mind I was hoping it was that.  I had an early miscarriage before my 3rd child, but I really didn't think it was a miscarriage, I had a sonogram picture and saw the heartbeat with this pregnancy and Monday was my 12wk check up.

Welcoming my Caleb into the world...

I came out of the bathroom shaking and said to my husband and mom I'm bleeding, they were shocked I immediately called the doctor, he wasn't concerned, I wasn't cramping he said I could wait until Monday 1st trimester spotting is very common.  My mind was racing I couldn't relax so I told hubby take the kids to get costumes, mom and I are going to go to the local hospital (not where I was delivering) and get checked just for peace of mind.  He said ok and off he went with the kids and off mom and I went to the hospital.

Her firstborn and only Son

When we arrived I had no more spotting on my pad, the ER doc examined me and the cervix was closed, everything seemed fine but he was going to order blood work and a sono just to be sure.  I truly was not worried.  Mom and I were laughing and talking, the sono tech comes to get us....off we go to the sono room.  She puts the transducer on my abdomen and the screen was partially facing me and I could see my baby but I didn't see the flickering of the heartbeat.  In my head I tried to convince myself that I was not a medical professional and I didn't know what I was looking out, so I chatted to my mom and the tech like crazy, that's what I do when I'm nervous, you can't shut me up!!  Suddenly the tech starts crying and apologizing "I'm sorry I'm not supposed to tell you anything but I can't sit here and let you smile and laugh while I know what's going on inside your body"  I said it's not good is it?  She says no I'm sorry your baby no longer has a heartbeat.  I didn't believe it, I didn't even cry, I was in complete and total shock.  I'm not even spotting anymore, how could this be?  I was wheeled back to my room in the E.R., so many thoughts were racing thru my head, I even said God you rose Jesus from the dead you can make my baby's heart beat again, please Lord let it beat again, let my baby be ok.  The E.R. doc comes in and tells me you had a fetal demise at 9wks 5 days gestation, but don't worry this happened to my wife and we just had a baby 3 months ago.  Great doc I feel so much better now, and what exactly is the plan to get my dead fetus out of my body?  Wait until Monday and call your doc since they are not affiliated with this hospital.  It wasn't a fetus it was my sweet baby.  I was told I could go into the bathroom and get dressed, that's where I had my 1st complete breakdown. I was showing, I rubbed my belly and said it's ok baby you can leave mama now, Jesus is with you, it's ok you can go mama loves you.  Even though the baby passed at 9wks 5 days I still felt that little soul with me.  I walked out of the hospital and looked back at my name on the ER white board I was listed as an OB patient, but I no longer was one.

Michelle's 4 most prized possessions

I had to go home and explain to my 3 children that the baby had died and was in heaven.  They all cried and the questions were so hard.....how can a baby die? Where is the baby? Why do you still have a belly?  I couldn't take it so I said I have to go shower and I stood in the shower and sobbed and prayed I didn't want a D&C, I just wanted to miscarry naturally.  I had saved my positive pregnancy test, I looked at it and sobbed, as I sat on my bed sobbing and clinging onto the test I felt a sense of calm come over me and the word persevere. At 3am on Monday morning I woke up with contractions and naturally expelled the baby, I ended up in the E.R. again due to dehydration and blood loss, all was well and I was discharged in a few hours.

The miscarriage rate is 1 in 4, I actually knew 4 women including myself that were pregnant, we were due days apart.  I can't even win $2.00 on a scratch off, but I'm the lucky one to have a miscarriage.  I immediately wanted to try again, month after month no pregnancy, it was so devastating each month when I got my period, just as bad as wearing a belly band because nothing fit but I had no baby and no pregnancy.  I think people mean well with their comments but it stings to hear people say well you have 3 healthy children be thankful for that, excuse me when did I say I wasn't thankful for what I have.

So many pregnancy announcements and births have come within the past 3 years, In the beginning when these announcements would come I would be sad for myself that I had lost my baby and still wasn't pregnant but I was happy for others.  The more time that goes by and my arms are still empty it doesn't get easier it's just different.  People think I should be over this it was so long ago and I was in the 1st trimester, would it be easier for people if I would have buried my baby?  The truth is it doesn't get easier it's almost harder I honestly am at a point where my emotion is just very flat towards pregnancy.  I see it through different eyes, I ache to feel the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test, the joy of a 1st OB appointment but with that joy comes fear of it happening all over again and the reality of it being ripped away in a second.

The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise: 

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.