Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A Heavy Heart

Last friday night as I was curling my girls hair for their semi-formal, my cell phone went off. Its not uncommon. I am a HUGE text-er . I casually flipped it open and noticed it was from one of my childhood friends whom I recently got back in common with. The words struck my heart like a knife and I could not believe what was before me.

A dear friend whom I had grown up with till I left and got married had just past away. She committed suicide. This girl was a part of every school memory. We walked to the busstop together every day for years. We played together every day during the summer and sat next to each other on the bus. Once we hit high school, we slowly drifted apart. About 6 years ago we all met up again and went out for dinner and had a blast together. We met each others husbands and talked about old times. We also kept in contact via facebook. I know many people hate facebook but when used wisely (and for my husband and I ) Facebook has been nothing but a HUGE blessing for us. Through private messages I was able to help her with a difficult decision to move west and just recently we wished each other Happy Thanksgivings.

This news broke my heart and still does. I have been thinking about her non stop. But what hurts the most is knowing the unknown. To my knowledge she never knew Christ as her saviour. Never knew Jesus as someone she could turn to. She had suffered from severe depression and was heavily medicated for years and I knew she struggled with mental illness as well. But I don't think anyone knew how deep it tortured her.

Her husband said she felt hopeless and ended her life. Those words haunt me hour by hour.

The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ. If you are a believer. Through my Beth Moore Study, I learned so much about death. when we die, there is no "rest" in between. The soul never dies, our minds never stop thinking or feeling. Its only our bodies that pass away. Never a moments pause do we miss. Imagine unzipping yourself out of a snowsuit and dropping it on the floor and walking away. Thats how death will be. Imagine slipping your foot out of a shoe and walking away... Thats how death will be. Leaving the shell behind and continuing on.

Where you go is up to you and based on your choices made on earth and who you chose to serve.

My heart broke for my dear dear friend. She thought death would bring her peace. A rest from the pain of this life, when in fact, there was no pause. No peace.

For the next few nights I prayed for her. I had one of the most honest conversations with God. The bible speaks very clearly that you cannot pray someone into heaven. You cannot SAVE someone. Its all on them. But I felt like it was the only thing I could do. I apologized to God because I knew this was something that could not be done but I felt like it was the only thing left to do. My earthly mind had to do something. So I just prayed. I prayed that God would just cover her with His grace. Shield her from what may lay ahead for her in eternity. I pleaded with God to cover her so when she has to stand before Him and give an account of her life (as we all will do someday) I prayed that He would just see His covering over her broken tortured soul. I wanted to just weep for her and what she must have had to endure daily to do something so drastic.

Then I started thinking... could I have done more??? Did I tell her about Jesus? In all of our days playing together and all of our walks... how many times did I tell her that Jesus takes away the pains of this world. The same pains she has been dealing with ALL of her life. As children I never knew she suffered so. She kept it quiet... I didn't know how much she needed someone to turn to. Someone bigger than life to help her thru.

This is something I will have to live with THE REST OF MY LIFE. Not knowing her outcome. Knowing I could have done more but as a child, afraid of what others would think of me.

I won't know anything till I get to heaven. I pray every day that I will see her smiling face and we can link arms and giggle all the way thru eternity. Oh how I pray that can be true.

I can't go home for her funeral. Its being held tomorrow. Her husband flew her back home to NY. I assume she will be buried next her her Daddy who passed away suddenly a couple of years back.

My heart breaks and tears flow for a friend who will now never know how much I LOVE her.

Don't wait for the next time. You never know if there will ever be one. You never know who is suffering in silence. Who is tormented day by day with things we know nothing about. You never know who feels hopeless... true hopelessness. Everyone needs Jesus and its up to us to lead them to Him. Don't wait.

I still pray for her and her family and her dear husband who loved her so. I will forever remember her as the smiley girl with long black hair who loved her pets more than life.

To my friend... I will always see you happy, swinging on your beloved tire swing on a warm summer day... I love you.


  1. What a beautiful post. I will pray for you and for your friend too.

    I think God knew how deeply she was tormented, even if she didn't know Him as her Savior, He knew her as He knows all of his children.

  2. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please remember one thing... no matter if you told her about Jesus... God shone his light to her through you and your life to her.. remember the quote "preach the gospel to everyone... if necessary use words". I'm sure you did what you could to share the gospel with her.
    I know how painful it can be not knowing if someone went to heaven. I had the same feeling about my dad who passed away when I was 19. But one night when I was desperately praying, as you did, I got such a feeling of peace. I saw it as a greeting from God that my dad was with him in heaven, and haven't thought about it since then.
    Sorry for a long comment:( Besides, you have a very nice blog, I'll add it to my reading list!

  3. I am so sorry. What a terrible loss.

    Your words and your questioning resonated with me. Years ago a casual friend of mine had moved far away & we lost touch. Then a couple years after she made the move we got news that an ex-boyfriend ambushed her as she came home one night & shot and killed her.

    I was haunted by the fact that, as far as I knew, she had always remained an agnostic & never knew the Lord.

    I wish I could say that this has made me bolder in sharing my faith. It's still an area where I struggle. But, I also know that prayer is powerful & we are all called to pray. And, so I do.

  4. Wow, I am so sorry. What a hard thing. I will pray comfort for you and her family.

  5. I am so sorry. News like this is never easy and always heartbreaking. I to have lost a friend this way and it is never easy and always hard to understand. I wish I had words to help you get through this. What I do know is that God new your prayer and He knows your heart.

    Anne @ http://lessonsthrulife.com

  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. What a sad, heartbreaking story and thank you for your post and words.

    I'll be praying for her and you.

  7. I am so sorry to read about your loss. My prayer for you is to find some peace about this. I know that will be so hard.

  8. I believe your friend is with God.He understands the pain her depression brought to her.As parents we all know the pain we feel when our child hurts.She is His child. Think of her in His arms and at peace.Will pray for you to have peace and also her family. God is good!

  9. I know exactly how you feel and what an awful feeling it is. I went through this a few years ago when my younger cousin overdosed on meth. He was like a little brother to me, especially after my own brother, my only sibling, had died years ago. As I sat by my cousins bedside watching him die, I prayed incessantly. He had denied God for years because of his anger and resentment for his mother's death as a child. he carried so much hurt, so much loneliness with him. After his death I prayed, begged, pleaded to God - please have mercy. I got a very clear response after many days of prayer, and I felt the Lord tell me that He was in control and that He was taking care of Brandon (my cousin.) I felt immediate peace. I don't what that means necessarily but I have to rely on the peace He has given me or it will also torment me for the rest of my life.

  10. I'm sorry for your loss. How sad your friend didn't feel she could lean on God to help her through. Depression is a terrible thing. I have no doubt God is familiar with the fact she was tormented by depression, and will keep it in mind. I don't believe he will judge her too harshly.

    I know your heart is aching. I will light a candle and say a prayer for you. I will do the same for your friend.

    Blessings to you.



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