A Heavy Heart

Last friday night as I was curling my girls hair for their semi-formal, my cell phone went off. Its not uncommon. I am a HUGE text-er . I casually flipped it open and noticed it was from one of my childhood friends whom I recently got back in common with. The words struck my heart like a knife and I could not believe what was before me.

A dear friend whom I had grown up with till I left and got married had just past away. She committed suicide. This girl was a part of every school memory. We walked to the busstop together every day for years. We played together every day during the summer and sat next to each other on the bus. Once we hit high school, we slowly drifted apart. About 6 years ago we all met up again and went out for dinner and had a blast together. We met each others husbands and talked about old times. We also kept in contact via facebook. I know many people hate facebook but when used wisely (and for my husband and I ) Facebook has been nothing but a HUGE blessing for us. Through private messages I was able to help her with a difficult decision to move west and just recently we wished each other Happy Thanksgivings.

This news broke my heart and still does. I have been thinking about her non stop. But what hurts the most is knowing the unknown. To my knowledge she never knew Christ as her saviour. Never knew Jesus as someone she could turn to. She had suffered from severe depression and was heavily medicated for years and I knew she struggled with mental illness as well. But I don't think anyone knew how deep it tortured her.

Her husband said she felt hopeless and ended her life. Those words haunt me hour by hour.

The bible says to be absent from the body is to be present with Christ. If you are a believer. Through my Beth Moore Study, I learned so much about death. when we die, there is no "rest" in between. The soul never dies, our minds never stop thinking or feeling. Its only our bodies that pass away. Never a moments pause do we miss. Imagine unzipping yourself out of a snowsuit and dropping it on the floor and walking away. Thats how death will be. Imagine slipping your foot out of a shoe and walking away... Thats how death will be. Leaving the shell behind and continuing on.

Where you go is up to you and based on your choices made on earth and who you chose to serve.

My heart broke for my dear dear friend. She thought death would bring her peace. A rest from the pain of this life, when in fact, there was no pause. No peace.

For the next few nights I prayed for her. I had one of the most honest conversations with God. The bible speaks very clearly that you cannot pray someone into heaven. You cannot SAVE someone. Its all on them. But I felt like it was the only thing I could do. I apologized to God because I knew this was something that could not be done but I felt like it was the only thing left to do. My earthly mind had to do something. So I just prayed. I prayed that God would just cover her with His grace. Shield her from what may lay ahead for her in eternity. I pleaded with God to cover her so when she has to stand before Him and give an account of her life (as we all will do someday) I prayed that He would just see His covering over her broken tortured soul. I wanted to just weep for her and what she must have had to endure daily to do something so drastic.

Then I started thinking... could I have done more??? Did I tell her about Jesus? In all of our days playing together and all of our walks... how many times did I tell her that Jesus takes away the pains of this world. The same pains she has been dealing with ALL of her life. As children I never knew she suffered so. She kept it quiet... I didn't know how much she needed someone to turn to. Someone bigger than life to help her thru.

This is something I will have to live with THE REST OF MY LIFE. Not knowing her outcome. Knowing I could have done more but as a child, afraid of what others would think of me.

I won't know anything till I get to heaven. I pray every day that I will see her smiling face and we can link arms and giggle all the way thru eternity. Oh how I pray that can be true.

I can't go home for her funeral. Its being held tomorrow. Her husband flew her back home to NY. I assume she will be buried next her her Daddy who passed away suddenly a couple of years back.

My heart breaks and tears flow for a friend who will now never know how much I LOVE her.

Don't wait for the next time. You never know if there will ever be one. You never know who is suffering in silence. Who is tormented day by day with things we know nothing about. You never know who feels hopeless... true hopelessness. Everyone needs Jesus and its up to us to lead them to Him. Don't wait.

I still pray for her and her family and her dear husband who loved her so. I will forever remember her as the smiley girl with long black hair who loved her pets more than life.

To my friend... I will always see you happy, swinging on your beloved tire swing on a warm summer day... I love you.