Thursday, October 1, 2009

I Remember...

Abby, Me and Baby B.
Apple Picking 2008

Today I remember. It has been one year since we lost Baby B. He wasn't the first baby I lost and he wasn't the last but he was special. He was loved by his family. He was sang to and kissed and rubbed. We loved him for the 14 weeks I carried him.
It was unexpected and shocking. It was sad for everyone. Not a day goes by that I don't think about how old he would have been. 6 months to be exact. He would be smiling, clapping, laughing at his silly siblings and rolling over. We would be buying 8 pumpkins this year instead of 7. We would be hanging one more stocking by the fireplace and I would be changing one more tiny tooshie.
When he left this earth, he took a piece of my heart with him. All my babies did but his piece was a bit bigger.
Thru it all God is good! He got us thru that hard time and continues to carry me thru sad times. I happily know that their will be a huge reunion in heaven. I can't imagine that day. God says there will be no more tears... the happiness must be immeasurable.
I have only one picture of me pregnant with Baby B. I don't like pictures of me pregnant... and have very few of all my pregnancies. That will change. I carry Baby B's ultrasound picture with me. Its in a special place and take it out on occasion but not often.
This picture was taken while Apple Picking in the mountains. It was a happy day. One week before the bad news came.
On the sonogram picture, they said baby B. passed away on this same day.
The staff at the doctors office were wonderful. Remarkable. Sweet. Kind. I was alone. I thought it was just another appointment. They let me stay past closing. I could tell they didn't know what to do.
The nurse from the hospital was great. Her name was Cindy, just like my Sissy. She was funny and great. She was from NY!! We exchanged stories and I thanked God for being so good, even in the little things.
I woke up crying. In a matter of 24 hours I wasn't pregnant anymore. Just the other night we were eating dinner around the table laughing and joking and voting on baby names. It didn't register. How quickly life can change for you.
A few days later I named him. He deserved that. He was a little soul that did live for a brief time. I keep the name to myself and hubby.
For a long while I could not hear a baby cry. I would have to physically stop myself from going up to another woman's crying baby and want to pick her up and rock her. The sound would hurt my soul so deep. Sometimes I would just have to get up and leave.
One year has past but my heart still hurts from the loss. Life goes on and we are again stepping out in faith, praying that God will gracefully bless us with another healthy baby. I smile at people who never know the pain of losing a baby, I pray they never will. I congratulate them. For me, a heartbeat will never be looked at the same. A sonogram means nothing. God alone knows our future. He alone can give us peace.
How silly I was all those years before. Taking for granted the 5 healthy non-complicated pregnancies I had. How fast everything can change. How quickly things can be gone. It was a hard lesson learned!!
I now fall into a category no one understands. I have children, I want more but I can't. I should be happy for what I have. My pain isn't as great as someone who never had a child. I have no reasons for this. How silly those people are.
I read about Hannah in the book of Samuel. I study it, I have books on it. I know the pain she felt as she cried at the temple. I know if Hannah were living today, we would be friends. If she only knew how her life and hurt encourages me centuries later.
So, I will go on and I will be strong. I study the bible, pray for answers and a miracle. I know God has a reason for everything and as much as I would love to know the reasons for these, I just have to trust. This earth is not the end. One day, in heaven, we will all be together again. One B-I-G happy family. My heart will be whole and I will get to know all my children that left me way too soon.

Baby B announcement


  1. Mmm, my heart hurts for you/with you. I can't understand like you do of course, but to read your post makes me think that there's a beautiful person in heaven who will be very joyful to see you when it's your turn to pass from here to there. I guess that thought must keep you going. I hope and pray that God will comfort you and give your heart peace and if it is His will, that he will fill your womb with the next Wyler family member.

    With hope...

  2. It isn't often that I find posts from moms who had lost a baby, but when I do I am always brought to tears when I read what God's strength and love can conquer.

    I lost my baby at 13 weeks. He was a twin to my 3 year old daughter. The memories that were made in those first 13 weeks will stay with me forever...the planning and the excitement of natural twins!! I don't know why God blesses us with babies we are never to meet. I would never wish my baby out of Heaven but I still get sad when I think of the feelings my daughter may have when she finds out her twin didn't live.



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